CBB '24 - Week 1 Card & Leaderboard: A Little Dabo Do Ya

• Wherein we ruin Jemima Puddle-Duck for you and your family
• Clemson doesn't competely get punched in the face, but Dabo does
• Simp chalk glides along mostly unscathed
• The Week 1 Leaderboard and Grade Slip

We invoke the Brylcreem tagline here on a Sunday evening not only for Clemson football coach Dabo Swinney – lover of hoop, his participation in which he ascribes his injury to – not only for the metaphor of Clemson losing as a favorite to North Carolina this weekend, but because CBB '24 has humble origins.

With just 53 Week 1 entrants coming out of the holiday haze, a little dab'll do us, too. For now.

On the bright side, there's 11 spots for people to get into the top 64 just by entering. Plus, we expect a groundswell of additional entries as our rogue marketing campaign with Bass Pro Shops continues to pick up viral steam.

Those that did join us Week 1 mostly went the simp chalk route and were mostly rewarded. The simp chalk route is where you put your points on name-brand schools who are favorites because that seems like the most straightforward path to victory, like that's what the winners do.

North Carolina, UConn, Purdue and Arizona all took between 78% and 81% of points on their two-sided game markets and all but the Boilers won thanks to a late surge from Illinois to get inside the number.

Zach Edey, who one Robner has uncomfortably yet with odd accuracy termed the Genghis Khan of college basketball, had a ho hum 10 points and 15 rebounds over just 23 minutes of play.

Zona's Kylan Boswell, meanwhile, had more of a fireworks display in his homestand this weekend. He spent both games passing with greater ease than a non-binding resolution supporting Israel.

Unlike previous competitions, this cbb contest is also offering markets on points totals, and a host of extra prop markets that get added to the card over time, after it's released Thursday morning.

Outside of the Arizona-Utah to score 164 points market (won by one) and the Armando Bacot to score more than 14 points market (he scored exactly 14), this buffet was barely picked over. We'll experiment as the season rolls along.

Lastly, there is a sense that the old heads in this contest, neé Onioners, who are used to balance management and prudent decision-making, are sitting out the first few weeks so they can reacquaint themselves with college basketball and not end up blowing their "balances" on a bad early decision.

This contest has no balances for folks to manage or worry about. Inaction only hurts you. Even if you're just guessing on a card, there's a 50-50 shot that you generate some winnings.

The name of the game is to get winnings. You can't get "losings." The only method that guarantees you won't get any winnings is not participating.

Fairy-Tale Takedown: Jemima Puddle-Duck

Jemima Puddle-Duck is a children's story written by the author Helen Beatrix Potter in 1908. It is one her famous 23 tales series, which most notably gave birth to the beloved character Peter Rabbit.

I read the 23 tales as a small child and, I'm not afraid to admit, was enchanted. They came in this very long lateral box set that took up an entire bookshelf. They threatened for a brief period to deport not only Frog but also Toad to a lower, less prominent shelf (I later came to my senses).

But in recently consulting the pages of Jemima (don't worry about why), it's clear that this whole tale deserves a critical reading through modern eyes. I think Helen might've been up to some subversiveness – or at the very least crying out for help.

Immediately, page one line one, we're hit with the theme of reproductive rights.

Listen to the story of Jemima Puddle-Duck, who was annoyed because the farmer's wife would not let her hatch her own eggs. Her sister-in-law, Mrs. Rebeccah Puddle-duck, was perfectly willing to leave the hatching to some one else—"I have not the patience to sit on a nest for twenty-eight days; and no more have you, Jemima. You would let them go cold; you know you would!" "I wish to hatch my own eggs; I will hatch them all by myself," quacked Jemima Puddle-Duck.

First of all, mad respect to Jemima (which, between "Puddle-Duck" and "Aunt" has to be a top-five lightning rod name for controversy). Second of all, did anyone ask you for your opinion, Rebeccah, who Potter subtly denotes in the second sentence, for a readership of 6-year-olds, as a sister-in-law? Third, who gave the farmer's wife dominion over such things?

Instead of aping the dominant public theme of 2024 – Jemima not being able to choose to terminate some stage of her egg hatching/laying process – we are met with the reverse theme, one perhaps coming out of Potter's early 1900's era: Jemima not being allowed to give birth the way she wants to.

She tried to hide her eggs; but they were always found and carried off. Jemima Puddle-Duck became quite desperate.

This is something for kids to read before they go to bed so they can have fun and imaginative dreams. Instead, we are five sentences in and bordering on crestfallen.

Who is stealing her eggs? Are they taking them to the fertility clinic and passing them off as their own for money? Did she get any of them back? Does she just keep pushing more out to compensate for the stolen ones? "Jemima was desperate to keep each one of her babies from being immediately stolen. Goodnight, kids, sleep well!" Jesus, Helen.

Jemima sees a wood in the distance that looks to be secluded and inviting, so she puts on her best bonnet, as one does when fleeing unsuppressed child-egg-trafficking, and takes flight. When she lands, she likes what she sees of the surroundings.

Seated upon the stump, she was startled to find an elegantly dressed gentleman reading a newspaper. He had black prick ears and sandy colored whiskers.

"Quack?" said Jemima Puddle-duck, with her head and her bonnet on one side—"Quack?"

The gentleman raised his eyes above his newspaper and looked curiously at Jemima. "Madam, have you lost your way?" said he.

Jemima thought him mighty civil and handsome. She explained that she had not lost her way, but that she was trying to find a convenient dry nesting-place.

If I'm alone in the woods and I come across a guy (spoiler: it's a fox) in a suit sitting there, and the first thing he says to me is, "Madam have you lost your way?" I'm first wondering why he thinks I'm a madam, but then I'm thinking, is bro trying to spit game? Is he just debonnair? Can I trust this fox in a suit?

We're getting a mild sense of stranger-danger at this stage, but this is immediately shoved out of the way because Jemima is into him on sight. We note here that Jemima gave him the two-quack greeting, not the one. The two-quack greeting does not confer admonishment, salutation or general confusion. It confers, "Hey, big boy."

I want to tell Jemima to be on her guard – which of course she already is on account of the egg thieving and selfish sister in law. But like a smitten chicken, she just vomits up to him her vulnerabilities, immediately. She even starts complaining to him about other hens (says more about you than about them, Jemmy).

Fox listens to this, and then immediately moves to: I've got a nest you can stay in, it's at my house, why don't you come back to my place.

"I have a sackful of feathers in my wood-shed," said the bushy long-tailed gentleman. He led the way to a very retired, dismal-looking house amongst the fox-gloves.

It was built of faggots and turf, and there were two broken pails, one on top of another, by way of a chimney.

So, this has ratcheted up real fast. Stranger-danger is on much higher alert. He's literally taking her to a run-down shack where he allegedly has this sick nest, but really the whole thing is made out of ...faggots? This is an old-timey term for a bundle of sticks that could have been much more helpfully chosen.

We don't know if Jemima is seeing the signs or not at this point. She is in distress from having her babies constantly stolen and no external help during the second stage of her pregnancy/hatching. She wants a savior. Has she found Sextus Tarquinius instead? Look at this devious ass.

Jemima is looking around and sees this place is not all it's cracked up to be. As he leads her in a tumble-down shed out back made out of soapboxes (?) he then goes on a riff about how this is just his summer home. An odd and unnecessary flex – he's already got her right where he wants her.

The heartbreaking part is that Jemima doesn't see any of the signs.

The shed was almost quite full of feathers—it was almost suffocating; but it was comfortable and very soft.

Jemima Puddle-Duck was rather surprised to find such a vast quantity of feathers. But it was very comfortable; and she made a nest without any trouble at all.

The shed was suffocating, but it was comfortable: we'll leave that one for team down in the metaphors department. To more practical matters: Do you not see your literal brethren there, Jemima? That you're sitting on your own kind?

Why does Fox have so many feathers? Did he make the fortune that afforded him (allegedly) a second home as successful merchant king importing and exporting bedding products?

Jemima starts laying her eggs over at Fox's place, but then commuting home at night. It's unclear how this solution keeps them any warmer at night than if she had left them in the care of the unhelpful Rebeccah, until we read that he volunteers to take care of her eggs.

He was so polite, that he seemed almost sorry to let Jemima go home for the night.

Yeah. Because he was so polite.

She laid nine eggs in the nest. They were greeny white and very large. The foxy gentleman admired them immensely. He used to turn them over and count them when Jemima was not there.

As we witness below, he also gets naked and paws at them. Does Child Protective Services cover chicks pre-hatch? They would have a field day with what's going on.

Eventually, Jemima realizes she's gotta start staying overnight so she can sit on her eggs. She offers to bring her own food – she was just leaving at night mostly to get some grog. This way, she won't have to leave.

Here, the fox does a seemingly nice thing. He says, don't worry about food, you've got enough on your plate, and offers to cook for her. He says he'll make her an omelette. But you can't make an omelette, as everyone knows, without a shitton of herbs, so could Jemima please go to the herb garden and bring some back.

Jemima Puddle-Duck was a simpleton: not even the mention of sage and onions made her suspicious. She went round the farm-garden, nibbling off snippets of all the different sorts of herbs that are used for stuffing roast duck.

Whoa. Red flags from the omniscient narrator now. This seems like a pretty big first clue. Potter straight up calls Jemima a simp. Beautiful. But also a weird way to throw your heroine under the bus. "You see, Jemima was an idiot. She willingly brought back the types of plants notorious for stuffing her cousins with."

How did this escalate SO quickly? And what is in it for the foxy gentleman?

For no reason at all, she's met by a collie dog who introduces himself and asks her what the hell she's doing serving up herself to this fox for all possible manners of "dinner." The collie is denoted as "wise," because it takes genius to see what is going on here.

The collie then goes to the local bank (?) to meet his other dog friends and tell them that some weird ish is going down at the Hen-death-mud-hut that the Fox runs on the outskirts of town.

Jemima Puddle-Duck went up the cart-road for the last time, on a sunny afternoon. She was rather burdened with bunches of herbs and two onions in a bag.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE "LAST TIME," POTTER?

He was sitting on a log; he sniffed the air, and kept glancing uneasily round the wood. When Jemima alighted he quite jumped.

"Come into the house as soon as you have looked at your eggs. Give me the herbs for the omelette. Be sharp!"

He was rather abrupt. Jemima Puddle-duck had never heard him speak like that.

She felt surprised, and uncomfortable.

God. Foxy's been drinking, again.

It's at this stage that 2024 printings of the book need to contain copy with one of those 1-800 hotline numbers where you can seek help for assault. "If you or any hen you know is trapped in a manipulative or abusive relationship..."

So, Jemima is in the shed now, and someone locks her inside. She feels "alarmed." But then, her true saviors act. There's a giant fracas outside, and the collie-dog and his friends basically go to town on the Fox, and he is never heard from again. Then the dog opens the door up for her. What a relief.

"Remember kids, if you're completely naive and taken in willingly by a murderer/rapist who offers you a bed of your own skin and promises to take care of your unborn children by getting naked and pawing at them, there will always be a group of dogs ready to come rescue you right at the last mo–

Unfortunately the other two dogs rushed in and gobbled up all the eggs before the collie-dog could stop them.

Jemima Puddle-duck was escorted home in tears.

WHAT?!?!

She laid some more in June, and she was permitted to keep them herself: but only four of them hatched.

Jemima Puddle-duck said that it was because of her nerves; but she had always been a bad sitter.

The end.

......

So, she's "rescued," from egg thievery by the fox, who then tries to take advantage of her, then she's rescued again by dogs, who kill the fox but straight up eat her eggs, but "escort" her home.

Then, clearly scarred for life and a shell of a hen, she pinches off several more but only four make it because she has a nerve-wracked pregnancy and can't sit any more. YEAH SHE CAN'T SIT, BECAUSE SHE'S BESET BY DEEP, DEEP TRUST ISSUES.

Who was stealing the eggs originally? Did Rebeccah ever find it in her heart to help her after the ordeal? Was the farmer's wife ever vanquished in her authority?

Does this story make Helen Beatrix Potter the original feminist?

And who fuc*** Potter up to the extent where she thought kids would want to fall asleep to a nice little hen being abducted by a foxy gentleman for carnal purposes and having her babies constantly destroyed?

Leaderboard After Week 1 & Week 1 Graded:

Leaderboard

Graded