Robn CBB Sweet 16 Card, New Rule, Nicknames, Everyone's Picks
The Sweet Sixteen Card for the Robn 2024 CBB $2,500 Tournament is out. Plus, fresh nicknames, a new rule change, and previews of all the Robn matchups.
- 1. New Rules For The Sweet Sixteen and Elite Eight
- 2. Sweet Sixteen: Who Plays Whom, How We Got Here
- 2.5 Sweet Sixteen Predictions: Tone, Owono, Bolte Favored
- 3. Nicknames For The Newly Initiated (RIP to 8 of top 9 seeds!)
- 4. The Card - Which Is Due At 4pm PT/7pm ET on Thursday
Congrats to the 16 of you that have made it this far through a grueling stretch.
In spite of Oregon-Creighton, Oakland-North Carolina State and Texas A&M-Houston, the second round was perhaps the least competitive and chalkiest in NCAA tournament memory. Thank goodness we had this contest to get us all through the drudgery.
Below, we chronicle who is playing whom and how each of you got here. But first, a necessary slight alteration.
1. The Rules They Are A Changin'
In the first round, we had an instance where two players both went all-in on the same team. The result was that, no matter what happened, the higher-seeded player automatically won before the game in question was even played (if his pick won, he would have finished with more winnings than his opponent, if his pick lost, both he and the lower seeded player would have had zero winnings and the tie would have gone to the higher-seeded player). We don't want this to occur because this results in no drama, no intrigue and no reason to even watch the game/s in question.
Going forward, this type of scenario poses an increasing threat, because we're going to have fewer and fewer games to pick, because fewer and fewer games are being played. Since picks are made blind, having fewer game choices increases the chance that two opposing players do what the two in the example did: allocate all their AFFP to the same team in the same game.
As a result, the Sweet Sixteen and Elite Eight cards will feature both "to win" markets like usual, and other markets. These other markets could be player props team totals, or team spread markets. These are collectively called "other" markets.
The new changes:
- Players in the S16 and E8 must allocate their AFFP over at least two picks, so no more all-in on one team. You can do more than two total picks if you like.
- At least one pick has to be on an "other" market (props, totals or spreads, whichever are offered)
- The minimum pick amount for any pick made is 200 points.
Yes, this makes winning a little harder, but it makes it way, way more likely that a contest matchup won't be decided before games even start.
2. Previewing Robn's Own Sweet Sixteen Matchups
You could just click on the bracket and not read the below, but then you would miss unwanted commentary from the degenerate with a bird's eye view of the action.
- No. 32 Kyle "The Dirty Duck" Rekofke vs. No. 49 Jeff "Shittens" Lunsman: Rekofke's trail was at least partially blazed by the Grand Canyon all-in haymaker that Sugar Shane Rima threw to knock off still-bitter No. 1 seed Alex "Ranger of the North" Aragon. Rima squeaked out a win despite Aragon having a AFFP twice as high as Rima's and winning five out of six picks. Had Rima not done so, Rekofke would have had to have faced the one-seed. Jeff's claim to fame, meanwhile, is not knowing the difference until last fall between "-" and "+". So, think how badly Connor Pelton and Evan Miyazaki feel about losing to him. Thankfully for Jeff, who is named after a poo glove, spreads have not been involved on the card.... yet. Prediction: The Dirty Duck Flaps to Victory
- No. 41 Jon "D'iz He Ok?" Dziok vs. No. 40 DJ Leary: Leary doesn't have his nickname yet due to his still being alive, but it's a corker. It'll be especially earned if he can knock off Dziok the same way he did No. 8 seed Kevin Chaney in the second round. Due to how he and Chaney allocated points, he needed six Chaney picks to all lose outright in order to advance. And they all did (Chaney was, like many of us, on the derailed underdog train in the second round). Dziok has not been tested thus far: His first-round match was a forfeit, and he obliterated No. 9 seed Jon "Not Pfizer, But..." Merck in the second round largely because Merck didn't score a single point. Prediction: Leary in a nail-biter, yet again.
Elite Eight Prediction: Rekofke plays like an underdog, throwing a haymaker that Leary mathematically can't compete with and winning the Ranger of the North Region.
- No. 36 Greg Talbott vs. No. 13 Raymond "Oh- Whoa. Nooo!" Owono: Will Greg's eventual nickname be centered around the eponymous women's clothing boutique? Unknown. What we do know is that Talbott exposed the Skyy "The Shadowy Ca-bell" posting an impressive first-round win. His underdog strategy in round two didn't work, but thankfully he left himself an escape hatch with Creighton vs. Oregon, taking down No. 4 seed Kyle "Sword and" Shields who had Utah State, Wazzu, Texas and Oregon. Owono meanwhile continues his quiet but impressive run of success. He was rewarded against No. 20 Mark "Those Long, Cold" Winters by taking chalk: Iowa State, North Carolina State and Tennessee paid off. Predicition: Owono plays the hits and advances.
- No. 21 Eric "How Can This Man Possibly Be" Single vs. No. 5 Kevin "Leave A Message At The" Tone: All sorts of things are going on here. Firstly, yes, Kevin's nickname has been changed posthumously. It was a stylistic decision - people will have to leave a message to reach him once he's out of the tournament, because, of course, he'll be gone. He is the second to ever have a change after Spencer McGhie was rightfully christened "Superfat," due to the fact that Mrs. Robn revoked her initial veto of the "offensive" nickname. Anyway, Single's time for success across football and basketball Robn is long overdue. He made the two sharpest picks of anyone in the first two rounds, taking Clemson both times when no one wanted to sniff them. Meanwhile, Tone, is the highest-remaining seed in the tournament and the only single-digit seed left. He warded off a relentless attack from Josh "The Sprinkler" Benjamin in round two with a big bet on Duke, but nearly lost because his other picks were all on losing dogs. Prediction: Tone takes an early lead, but a bold Single play wins him the match.
Elite Eight Prediction: Owono defeats Single to win the Sword & Shields Region, when the team Single backs misses a last-second shot to win the game.
- N0. 30 A.G. Burnett vs. No. 14 Sarah Hogan: Two new initiates to the program. Hogan has the embarrassing distinction of being the only person to advance through the second round via forfeit - though that shame is a mere blip compared to that felt by chief offender, and Robn veteran, Casey "The 12-Stettler Program." Hogan made it through Round 1 over Aidan McDowell via an extremely bold bet on Yale. Burnett, meanwhile, is responsible for the biggest upset in the second round, taking down No. 3 Downtown Tyler Brown. In a note to HQ, Brown confirmed that he overcooked his second round card with cute shenanigans: all his points were spread across Duquesne and Texas A&M. All Burnett needed was his Zags pick to hit, and he was off to the races. Prediction: Hogan upsets Burnett despite being the higher seed when she wins a randomly selected "other" market.
- No. 22 Caden "Flaming C" Wickwire vs. No. 59 Chelsea "Oh My Goss!": Your reigning 2023 Robn College Football champion, after undergoing severe medical trauma and preparing to deliver her third child into the world, revisits the regular season college basketball contest in time to win a few points and qualify for a low seed. She then upsets the heavily favored No. 6. seed Ryan "Show Me The Mun-ney" Munson on a bold James Madison play, followed by knocking off in the second round The Godfather himself, Zachariah Bloxham Esq. Wickwire on the other side has the points advantage, and arguably has the betting advantage. The man is a young hustler who knows every nook and crevasse in Las Vegas, as well as every formula in Excel. He most recently put an end to the violent and confusing reign of No. 11 seed Fred Flinstone, who refuses in the spirit of Robn to reveal his true self. This could be the matchup of the Sweet 16. Prediction: Wickwire wins a complete toss up because he doesn't pick anything involving Oregon (Goss' preferred team).
Elite Eight Prediction: Wickwire uses a hot tip to defeat Hogan to win the Downtown Regional.
- No. 26 Andrew "The Lightning" Bolte vs. No. 10 Josh "Clutching His" Pearl: Several Robners see this all as a mere exercise to allocate points to their favorite team. This reflects a gross misunderstanding of the competition. Let it be known that Bolte did something commendable to advance this far. He went against his own team, the New Mexico Lobos, in the first round. It paid off. Gonzaga and North Carolina carried him through the second round over David Forman, who was hoping for a second-consecutive Yale miracle. Pearl has quietly advanced but needed some luck: he held off a spirited attempt from Tyson "Wrap It In" Goss who lost a giant Oregon pick in an OT crusher, while Pearl himself won on North Carolina State in OT. Prediction: The veteran Bolte upsets the upstart Pearl by all-in fading the last remaining Mountain West team.
- No. 18 Jared "Delete All The" Dupes vs. No. 63 Bob Moncrief: The underdog of the tournament continues his run toward the championship. Moncrief is a simple man who likes bulk wine and women's volleyball. He is also an attorney and will clean you out of everything you have if you cross him. Thus, his first and second round opponents cowered in fear while he used inferior balance to pick America's teams, James Madison and Gonzaga. In so doing he beat No. 2 seed Darrell Mitchell who diligently won three out of four picks. Dupes took a different route. He won on forfeit in the first round, then "took out" Cannon "Cann-dle In The Winder" who went 2 for 16 (!) in his second round picks. Dupes will need to up his game against Moncrief, who is letting it all fly. Prediction: Moncrief continues the insanity, and wins by going all-in on some random midwest team.
Elite Eight Prediction: Bolte defeats Moncrief on a technicality when it is discovered that Moncrief didn't allocate at least 200 points to his mandatory second pick. Moncrief sues Robn and bankrupts HQ.
3. Sobering Sobriquets
They're sobering because mostly they're just from people who failed to submit. Is Lent over? Commish could use a cocktail.
Tim "Father Christmas" Merck - If you know, you know. And if you don't know, this entrepreneurial force of nature, this innovator, this future name on the Robn cap table, is single-handedly responsible for the Commish's Christmas memories by virtue of running a store that sold nearly three-dozen genuine, German-stock nutcrackers to the Commish's parents (we have a hoarding problem). And by "responsible" I actually mean his wife created all of the products from scratch, but Tim had the good brains to sell them to my parents and millions of other parents. We are honored by your presence and your living, breathing testament to unfettered capitalism.
Zack "Professor Z" Talbott - Zack and his kin dislike that I constantly compare him to Steve from American Dad. The problem we face here is that I can't stop doing this because any neutral party will confirm that he is in fact Steve from American Dad, which is not at all a slight, by the way. We are all Steve from American Dad, in some way. That will not influence his nickname though. That would be gratuitous and could poison multiple friendships. No, we will simply remark that he is the professor, because of course he is an educator of young minds. And so it is with extreme regret that we report he was unable to successfully add up his points on his card this year to 1,000 not once, but twice during the regular season. Perhaps Professor Z will specialize in the arts.
Stephen "Running Up That" Hill - When this 1985 song had its resurgence in 2022 thanks to Stranger Things, Kate Bush said in an interview that it was about people swapping places with one another so that they can understands things from a different persons perspective. Everyone in America saw things from Stephen's perspective on Thursday evening when Samford, the team Stephen went all-in on vs. No. 4 seed Kyle Shields in pursuit of a massive upset, lost to Kansas on a horrific foul call in the waning seconds. Don't be a stranger, Stephen.
Collin "The Sure Win" Sherwin - Collin was a sure win, whenever he played. Abandoning the contest in Week 5 due to medical issues, we thought Collin would be able to make it back for the tournament. A brand new Robn participant this year, he will go down in lore as having potentially the highest all-time winning percentage of any Robner - small sample size be damned.
Johnny "My Kinda Gal" Galibraith - I do not know Johnny, but if I did, my impression is that he would be my kind of person. He decided to be adventurous and try a game for the first time (this contest), participated inconsistently, finished nearly dead last, then Irish exited before the tournament started despite qualifying for it and having a shot at $2,500. I don't appreciate it, but I do respect it.
Aidan "Blackjack" McDowell - We don't have many baseball references in this competition, but Aidan is an old soul trapped in the body of a 21 year old, so we make an exception here. He's also a very calculating gambler. Not that any of what we're doing is gambling, because no one is risking any money in order to participate. I'm just saying Aidan is a cbb nut and doesn't phone it in. This nickname is a sign of respect: He lost his first-round matchup despite winning all four of his picks. Aidan will be back.
Will "The Dark" Knight - It was during the regular season, and certainly not the tournament, that the Dark Knight rose. Brought into the Robn fold by Alex Aragon, Knight kept things under control during the January and February months, but turned to misguided vigilante justice in March. He was so busy protecting the citizens of Robn that he forgot to submit his card in round one and to that we say: there needs to be a sequel where you redeem yourself.
Christian "Jak'd Up" Odjakjian - It is pretty jacked up to be such a college basketball diehard, to have the card delivered both to your inbox and slid personally into your DMs, to have opened the email, and still decide not to submit. Oh. What's that? You did submit and I didn't see it? You submitted by sending me a personal email instead of filling out the form? I see. Well, we counted them for you, and your picks lost anyway.
Josh "The Sprinkler" Benjamin - This could conjure up all sorts of bizarre and scandalous imagery. Be assured: it is meant to reference his tendency to sprinkle points on as many games as possible, little nibbles here and there, making his contests almost impossible to handicap and just begging for a Commissioner grading error in the process. You fought valiantly, Josh. Now, go fire in 12 different $10 7-team parlays.
Tevin "Kids In The" Hall - The show is massively underrated and its comedy stands the test of time. Tevin, a Spencer McGhie import, should have been one of the principal actors in the show due to his own comedic chops. I mean, losing to the lowest seed in the tournament after you allocate almost everything you have on de-valued James Madison to pull yet another upset? The man could work for SNL!
Nothing for Fred Flinstone. Sorry - but here we must invoke the Banjo Clark Rule. We do not award nicknames to people who knowingly don't use their own names in the contest.
4. The Card And The Submission Deadline
Below, ladies and gentlemen, is the Sweet Sixteen card.
Submissions are due no later than 4pm PT / 7pm ET on Thursday.
The "other" markets on this card are all totals markets. You must select at least one totals market and must make a selection worth at least 200 points.
The Elite Eight card will come out some time late Friday night. Elite Eight card submissions will be due no later than 4pm PT / 7pm ET on Saturday. If a game tips off before the deadline, that game and all of its markets will come off the card in real-time, but the remaining games on the card will selectable up until the deadline.
